Blurry Dreams

Sharing thoughts filled with uncertainty.

'Cause I'd throw it all away, and it all would fade to black.

Hi, everyone! It's been quite a while, hasn't it? Well, you see, a long while back I went on a little rampage and basically typed out the story of something that has been playing over and over in my mind for..oh, about a year and a half or so? I deleted it minutes later and wrote a post making sure it hadn't done much damage. Granted the former had been seven thousand characters, it wasn't up long enough for someone to be able to completely read it through and leave a comment. The contents of that post aren't very significant to this post, but it's an explanation for why I've run from this community. XP

Anyyywho, this post is to explore a new thought of mine, that actually came shortly after reading Miley Cyrus' cover story for the Rolling Stone. It was a pretty long article, and it gave me an insight into how she got to where she is now. Besides my cringing at her use of language.. "homeboy" "homies".. along with needless cursing, I'll say I've finally come to accept this new Miley. OMG KATIA WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING!? Now, relax boys and girls, it's not like I'm gonna go shave my head, start twerking, and go off showing my body in public. That article inspired me more than anything else to turn and look at the way I'm living my own life right now. Am I happy like this? Is there a point where all of my efforts being put where they are will pay off? Well, let's take a look.

I'm a sophomore in high school, in all of those higher up classes. Grades have always been important to me, but for these past few years, my mind has been focused on other things... emotions, love, friends.. these things are what I've found online that have turned me away from the real world. For a long time (2 years, I believe), my life revolved around what I call was my internet family. There were mainly eight people a part of this. I love(d) each one of them as if they were close friends I knew in person. We all knew each other; some got along, some hated each others guts, some fell 'in love' with one another. I've only fallen in love with one of them myself, but that was a bad case and I wound up getting my heart broken. Fast forward a year and a few months since that happened, I find that my virtual family has withered. I still talk with each of them distantly, but it's not the same anymore. There's not a feeling of security and acceptance left in existence, and we've all grown apart. I find myself trying to hold on, with day dreams and letting the memories come in as they please.

However, it's pointless. I've had to fight hard to keep some of those people in my life, and I'm starting to realize it's not worth it. Not worth the lies I'm constantly told, not worth having to hide my emotions because they're a burden to someone else who doesn't feel the same. I have different things taking over my mind instead, such as being an important member in my school's marching band (color guard, baby!), a promising boyfriend, and a wake up call when it comes to my grades (I'm seriously my own asian parent guys, it does not approve of my 2 B's and 1 C.), and my beloved Academic Decathlon, leaving no time for these childish memories to contiue consuming my mind. Of course, I'm not going to abandon everyone or tell them they can't be in my life. Instead, I plan to focus only on what's important and doing what I need to do to be happy in my life while letting go of what's haunted me for so long. There are people who love and care about me, so I no longer have time for anyone who doesn't.

With all of that being said, the door will always be left open a crack for these people if they ever need me, because though ties have been severed, family is family.. Thanks for reading my little rant, hope you enjoyed reading about the woes of me. :D